Out of Sync

It's been awhile since I've sat here and typed out my feelings. For the whole almost 10 months that I was pregnant with Kennady I found myself drifting from my blog and wanting to focus more on my life and family. Doing so brought me into a whole realization of the things around me and has brought me back to this spot behind my laptop.

Moving into our new home in Calvert County I noticed Camden began a new vocabulary. It was exciting because these were different than Mama and Dada. It meant he was growing and turning into a little person who would soon communicate with me. I was so thrown back when my little boy started saying the world "juice" clear as day. Then followed "ball" and "apple". For some reason "apple" was super emotional for me and I wanted to cry out of excitement. Looking back now I think maybe I had these emotions because somehow someway my mind was telling me this was the last word my son would repeat after me. Possibly the last time I would truly hear a voice. Camden's voice.

You're probably confused and wonder what I even mean. Over a period of time I started to realize I didn't hear a little voice running around repeating the words juice, ball and apple. It became silent enough for me to wonder what was going on. "Juice", I would say as handing him his cup. Silence. "Ball", I would say as throwing a ball in his direction. More silence. And no more was the little boy in the bath tub excited because he was saying apple and have me squealing with delight.

At his 18 month appointment I voiced this to his doctor. Immediately he looked at me alarmed and said that this was not something to wait around and figure out. He handed me a pamphlet for an Infant and Toddlers Program in our county and I looked at it briefly thinking "My son doesn't need help or intervention...he's just stubborn is all". We spoke about it more to family and friends and multiple times I heard "this is a phase" and a ton of stories about people who didn't talk until they were four. Everyone somehow had at least one family member or friend who for some reason needed speech therapy and everything turned out alright. Feeling some relief about it all I phoned the program and set up an appointment for someone to come to our home to asses Camden. The first assessment would be done at home where we just get asked questions about our home routines, things he said, and what he could understand. Then there was the assessment at their school to finalize whether Camden was eligible for the intervention and therapy that they provided.

The first therapy provider came to our home and immediately Camden started throwing a tantrum. I had to grab him to avoid him banging his head on the floor. Before this the head banging only happened when I thought tantrums were happening while telling him "no" or taking something away. Those days seemed normal at the time but to my realization it wasn't just when I had to step in and be mean mommy. He wasn't happy that she was there and he was making it known by banging his head on the floor over and over again. Embarrassed, I proceeded with her assessment where she asked me many things that apparently 18-24 month olds should be doing. Does he wave bye? No. Does he point with one finger at objects? No. Does he play correctly with toys? Uh, I guess? He mainly gets bored easily with his toys and ends up throwing them. He basically throws everything. The list went on and more and more I wondered why he wasn't doing these things? Was it something I did wrong? Do I not play with him enough? The child has endless toys. It was strange he didn't really like any of them except for his blocks that he constantly threw. From that point on I wanted to find answers. I wanted to help him.

The day of his assessment at the school I woke up beyond stressed out. I had just had Kennady and I knew taking him would be extremely hard because I would be dealing with endless fighting and head banging. I realized a lot of our days go this way. Where I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because it's just a constant battle instead of enjoying ourselves and I hate that I feel this way. When we got there all seemed calm. That was until we got into the actual room with the three different specialists. Then all of my fears came to reality all over again. As soon as we took him out of the stroller it was an instant fight of calming him down and trying to prevent him from hurting himself. Often he would calm down and play with some toys with the specialist. Other times he just picked them up and threw them only to come running back to me screaming and crying. Or the head banging. I hate the head banging.

I started to feel the overwhelming feeling of anxiety build up inside me. He's not like this at home for the most part. Why when he goes out does he freak out like this. HOW CAN I HELP HIM? I kept my composure until one of the specialists spoke up about his behavior. "Not to be funny, but does he have a helmet?" I stared at her for a second trying to process what she was asking me. No my not even two year old doesn't have a helmet, why would he? "It might be a good way to prevent him from hurting himself". Then I went overboard. I don't know if it was my post partum hormones or just everything in general but I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started to cry. Is something seriously wrong? Where did I go wrong? What could I have changed to prevent this?

9-12 months is what they scored him in his speech. 24 months is what they scored him in his gross motor skills. The kid is amazing at catching and throwing a ball. He loves being outdoors and running around. He's the most alive when he's active but when I sit him down and try to teach him things or get him to speak it's either I have a raging bull to deal with or he's just not connected with me. He gets bored, and frustrated and wants nothing to do with it or me. In the same instance he's the most loving boy in the world. He gives me hugs and kisses and moments when we're giggling together I can see in his eyes that he's there and that he loves me. We were approved for the at home speech therapy that we will now be doing 3 times a month.

I've begun looking into Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder. To some, it might be a little extreme to think about but I want answers for my child. I want him to get the help he needs. I don't want to sit around and lie to myself saying that it's just a phase as he gets progressively worse. While he falls under a lot of the symptoms with both disorders he also doesn't. A lot of these symptoms are also just "phases". It's so extremely frustrating and difficult to deal with every day. I argue with myself that I'm too hard on him when I discipline him because I have no idea if he even understands me or understands what he did that was wrong. Just once I would like to go somewhere without screaming and tears. I want him to look at me and sing the ABC's. Or tell me he needs something after yelling "Momma" to get my attention. It's come very aware to me that if something is wrong, such as autism, he could be non verbal and never speak and that hurts. That hurts more than any words that I can type on this post because I heard his voice before. I know how sweet and adorable it sounds only to be replaced with yelling and "uh huh".

The reality is though, is that whatever is going on inside of him hurts him more than it hurts me and I need to be strong and fix that in anyway possible that I can. I'm speaking to his doctor next week about where to go from here. He could laugh at me and tell me I'm silly. That my son is just stubborn like his father and to let nature take its course. I know I could also hear what I don't want to but have to come to realization about. I always knew my little boy was the different one. The one that marched to the beat of his own drum but I wasn't sure it would ever come to this. No matter what the outcome, or what life throws at us though I just need to keep reminding myself that it will be okay. I need to be strong for him.